The View from the Bottom. An Update.

Long time, no blog. I missed it, but I didn't miss Thinking Deeply, which I automatically start to do as soon as my fingers get a' typin'.

Let's see ... since the last post, I:

1) Was diagnosed as "moderately depressed" and given some handy little happy pills. That was about 3 weeks ago, and I haven't taken one yet. It took almost an entire day for Homeland Security: Pharmacy Division to clear the stupid prescription.
I literally felt better the day I went in to the Dr. Naturally. And I've pretty much felt better since. Personally, deny-ally, I'm thinking it's more temporary SAD than permanent BAD sad. We'll see.

2) Had a huge blowout w/ T, the adulterous husband. I was literally shaking, and for a minute there I thought I might faint. That's a blowout. He claims he has hated me since I quit working full-time, which was about 8 years ago. This is the first I've heard it. That's quite a grudge.
My main point was that he really shouldn't continue to live here while carrying on his adulterous affair. Isn't discretion the entire point of an affair?? I also was trying to figure out whether the adulterous mistress is, otherwise, besides that one giant lapse of judgment, a good person. Just in case she has some sort of relationship/influence with my son ... in the future. My point here: A good person tends not to drive up to her lover's house and honk for him while the rest of the family is inside.
Not sure how well that point came across, but I was happy to find I've gotten something out of my assorted bouts w/ therapy. When T claimed I was his only problem on the planet, I told him that I can't cause his problems -- only he can cause his problems. That'll be $150, please.

3) Planned a Spring Break trip w/ my son. No T. He doesn't want to go. Usually he does come around and go w/ us somewhere -- family appearances, I guess. But not this year.

4) Had a Moment of Panic when I got an email from my son's math teacher saying that my son's grades were slipping, and he was acting "inappropriately immature" in class. The worst part was my son's response: He told me I had no right to reply to that, because it wasn't my problem. I truly feared he had slipped over to the dark side and I had lost him. But later, when he wasn't so defensive and I wasn't so freaked out, he cried, and I could tell he was really thinking. And the next day, he made up his missing assignments and made, according to the teacher, "dramatic improvement." Apparently the whole class had gone bonkers after having a sub in the class before. Another teacher told me the math dude just totally lost control of everyone. Yes, misery does love company -- it helped a lot to know it wasn't just my kid. And that my kid is still, at heart, my kid.

5) Lived through my mom's surgery, long-distance. It wasn't a big deal, but it was surgery, and she had to spend the night in the hospital. My dad is not the world's best caretaker, but he's doing a good job, and he did a really good job keeping me informed (they kind of know I tend to worry). My mom had forbidden me from coming -- she even sent a note from the Dr. saying she wouldn't need help -- but it's very, very hard to be far away and wait and worry. She's now, she reports, 90% better, and very much enjoying the guilt-laden flowers and goody box I sent.

6) Lived through the worst birthday in the history of the planet. I popped out of bed early, went into my son's room and tried to grab his gecko so he could join us in a rousing round of "Happy Birthday." The damn thing chomped me on the thumb. I dropped him. He scurried behind his big rock and got stuck. My son freaked out, thinking he had broken his leg. Then T came up with a tray of oatmeal for me to eat in bed, but I'd been up so long, I'd already taken off the sheets to wash.
For a minute, I had a present: a steam carpet cleaner. Until T realized it wasn't really steam and decided we should take it back. So the plan was to go out to birthday lunch, exchange the gift and get home in time to change for Birthday Dinner.
Except for the gecko. My son was still freaking. He decided he'd better take it to the emergency vet. He and T did that, and naturally it took all afternoon. His sprained-gecko-ankle medicine cost $107, almost 4 times the original cost of the fricking gecko, which led T to declare that Birthday Dinner was off.
Then they decided to exchange my gift -- but forgot the "exchange" part. They returned it.
I got no present, no dinner, no singing, no cake. I finally took my son out to dinner and paid for it myself. He promised me the next day would be a "real" birthday -- we'd go to a movie, and play tennis, and go out to dinner, and buy a cake -- but when we got home, he had a message from a friend who wanted him to go skiing the next day.
And I'm only "moderately depressed."

7) Lived through 2 social-anxiety challenges: I led the book (or the club?) at Book Club, and visited my son's class to give a guest lesson on writing. Things like that always make me antsy beforehand, and then always tend to go OK once they're finally under way. Of course, it helps to bribe kids w/ candy. Then they're nice to you.

8) Started to try to exercise more. Except this morning, I "mall-walked" after dropping my son off at school, and I think I overdid it. I was taking a few steps at a time, trying to work up a sweat, and now I have a headache and a sore neck. But I'm sure I dropped at least 10 extra lbs. with that two-steps-at-a-time jig.

9) Got an assignment from my therapist to help stop my negative thinking patterns. I'm supposed to recognize and write my negative thoughts (I am stuck in a pathetically rotten marriage), then write the facts about that thought (My marriage is pathetically rotten.), then write a "counter" thought to replace the negative one. (I am not literally stuck. My feet still move.) I guess I need to work on that a bit.

I also need to type more. Very therapeutic.