The Supporting Cast: Adulterous Mistress

This was a tough one. I couldn't decide whether to kick off with this chick ... or my equally perplexing, complex mother-in-law. But Mistress wins because she is more on my mind today. Last night, when she pulled up to the end of our driveway and honked for Big Boy, our faithful dog barked. Then stopped. Which made me realize: When she picks up T and drives him off for adulterous fun and frivolity, she is also taking my dog. Which is infinitely worse than taking my husband.

Then ... today, as we were watching the morning news for snow-delay info, a Dr. Phil commercial came on. The topic: Wife's lover DRIVES UP TO HER HOUSE AND HONKS FOR HER TO COME OUT. Out of respect, she says. You're sick, Phil says. I am not a Phil fan, but damn straight I am taping his show today.

So here's what I know about my husband's adulterous mistress. T has told me nothing. But as a journalist, I have some pretty sweet access to public records. I also know the one and only solid defense for libel: the truth. So I feel pretty secure on both counts.

1) She has very poor judgment. Exhibit A: When she and T began their affair, T was her boss. Exhibit B: Of all the cheating men in the world, she chose T as her adulterous lover.

2) She divorced her husband last year, sold their house and moved (as I have mentioned before) to within 15 minutes of our house. She is a mother.

3) In the process of her year-long divorce, someone filed a restraining order against someone. That means a) she is a lunatic; b) the order was against T, which would be a juciy nugget of knowledge; or c) her husband found out about T and made, as they say, a scary stink.

4) She thinks it's OK to honk at the end of our driveway every night. And call and hang up. And befriend my dog.

5) She is 42, 5-foot-2 and 120 pounds. Which means I could take her -- especially with my dog on my side.

But I am afraid of her. Even if I hadn't seen "Fatal Attraction." She is getting more and more brazen. And I am in her way. And the best way to hurt me is through my son.

I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I hear creaks in the floor, and think it's her. I see a shadow outside the door, and think it's the hit man she has hired. I get up during the night to check on my son, then double-check.

Two weeks ago, I was convinced I should call her (naturally, I have her cellphone number, since it showed up on our bill 8 billion times). Ask her whether she poses a real, physical threat to us. Talk to her mama-a-mama. I almost did it. Until my anchor of a counselor suggested it might not be such a bright idea. Yeah, yeah. She was right.

But what can I do? Hide in the woods and scare her when she honks? Drive to her house & honk in her driveway? Train my dog to lunge at her?

And is it delusional paranoia if they really are out to get you?