The big honkin' update

It's been a long time since I've written. I guess it's been a long time since I felt like I had to.

But today I woke up feeling like I just Do Not Fit In Anywhere. And writing usually helps.
Here goes.

Since my last post:

1) I have been to Las Vegas, on a girls' getaway, which was probably fun, but I really needed a vacation after my vacation. I went with my mom; my childhood friend and her mom; and my two aunts, who kind of nudged their way into our "reunion."
My friend has evolved in a very surprising way. She used to wear leg braces and eat her own boogers while watching "I Dream of Jeanie." She since has married three times, including a millionaire in the middle who might have turned her into a Stepford Trophy, unless she was already on her way there by marrying him in the first place. She now has fake teeth, fake boobs, fake eyebrows, fake hair, real Botox and ... yes, here's where the envy comes in .. the body and confidence of a supermodel. That's not the problem; I love her deeply enough not to hate her because she's beautiful. The problem is that at some point she lost her real self, and her sincerity.
She brought along a video of her newest wedding, which was, in all seriousness, the perfect commercial for Love-brand Love. Every look, every loving gaze (into the camera), every pose was perfectly coordinated, and precisely planned. She was stunning. But I'm not sure how much of my old friend was left in that polished Shell of Love.
It really threw me. Would I like this woman if I just met her today? How much of myself do I want to invest in something that feels so unreal? How much do I value our history and our lore and our bond? And why haven't I faked myself up to perfection???
Anyway, the weather was nice.

2) About 8 years ago, I caused a giant earthquake. I am sorry if your dishes broke.
My husband's family took us all to Europe for their 50th anniversary. It was a huge, grueling, intense trip. There were 11 people in our group, and we were on a bus most of the time with another 30 or so South Africans. Sometime during the trip, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law had a huge fight, and didn't speak for about 6 months afterward. I didn't notice because I was too busy falling in major love with our tour guide.
In retrospect, it might have been a bit, shall we say, inappropriate.
I don't consider myself a religious person, but I do think I'm spiritual. I pray twice a day, sometimes more. I believe in God, and I hardly ever, ever use the Lord's name in vain.
But when I saw this tour-guide man for the first time, I had no control. "Jesus," I sputtered.
He had magical, mystical, mesmerizing eyes. He had an Australian accent. He spoke eloquently, and with deep knowledge, and humor, and insight. And yowza -- he had nice shoulders.
As luck would have it, I was writing a story on our trip and thought it'd be "helpful" to interview him. As luck would have it, he harbored a secret desire to write stories. Ding!
We emailed after the trip. Soon it grew a little flirty. I told him my marriage stunk (can you see the red flag from there???). He listened, he gave great advice and he encouraged me. We wrote our stories and edited each other's work. I called him a few times. He told me about his parents, his brothers and sisters, his childhood, his travels. I was completely, COMPLETELY, smitten. I was sure this was My Fate -- to meet my REAL soulmate on a journey with my husband's family.
Then something happened that I can't yet bring myself to write. Suffice it to say, I "found out" that he was carrying on this kind of "relationship" with several other women, all over the world. I'm sure they were his soulmates, too. I was truly, deeply shaken.
And the next day, we had a 6.8 earthquake. Again, sorry about that.
Anyway, I never told him what I'd learned. He kept emailing, and asked me to meet him in LA, and, thank God, I couldn't do it. We eventually tapered off our conversation, until I finally thanked him for helping me learn some things about myself (I am not an adulterer, although, technically, I'm sure this was an "emotional e-affair.")
I hadn't heard from him for 7 years.
Then, in the mail, totally random, we got an envelope from my father-in-law. He had recorded the whole trip -- including all of the tour-guide narration -- and transferred it to CDs for all of us. Including the tour guide himself. He had used the same old email address, and learned that Mr. Tour Guide did indeed remember us, so he sent him the CDs, too.
Imagine my surprise to see his name after so long. I always wondered how I would handle it if his name or memory resurfaced. And, I am thrilled to report, I just smiled ... a simple, happy, nostalgic, "wasn't that something?" kind of smile.
And then I emailed him, out of nowhere, with so much less emotion, so much less need, so much less desperation, and asked how he was doing. I also said I hoped he had had a daughter by now, if there is any Karma in the universe.
He wrote back the same day. Of course he remembered us, he said; how could he forget? He said he had very fond memories. My heart didn't race, my throat didn't clinch, my hands didn't shake -- and the Earth didn't tremble.
He was back, if only for a minute, and I was OK. I wrote him back, one last time, and thanked hiim again for everything he'd done for me. I wished him well, and I meant it. His wife is having their second baby this fall. It's another daughter.
Thank you, Jesus.